The Doppelganger, Part the First

• Everyone has problems. Some people are stupid. Some are fat. Others are just a waste of space and resources. I have a different problem, though.

I have a doppelganger.

• How, oh how, though, did you get this evil hanger on, you say? Well, the short answer, is “I made a big god damned mistake”, while the long answer, in three parts, begins as follows:

• One time I was sitting at my couch, watching TV and I was engaged in a “self-examination” I believe that everyone who has one does, but does not talk about – namely searching out, examining and popping acne deposits on my scrotum. Now, the act is, in and of itself, due to lack of willingness to acknowledge it, an act which does not technically exist, as it is one which is certainly never, ever allowed to be seen firsthand.

• These are all of the happily secret habits of people committed only when one is alone and certainly out of the sight of others, basking in the total security of immunity from detection. We all do them, whether we care to admit it or not. Even a partial list is far outside the scope of this discussion. It makes me happy though. It reminds me we are a beautiful dichotomy of parts – a mind capable of such exquisite feats of intuition and creativity, made up of such a brutish, base menu of cheerily animalistic organic components with their own symphony depravity.

• None the less, this act, while out of the sight of others (save for perhaps an undetected, very determined passer-by), was executed in front of a mirror. Now, it is a little known scientific fact that when things which do not technically exist occur within the gaze of a mirror, they create a sink of energy which may bend space itself, allowing planes of existence to touch, sometimes in a whispering kiss, other times with the crash of galaxies. Mirrors are a pretty big responsibility, more than many people realize. Why do you think the penalty for breaking one is seven years? That’s a mighty stiff fine for a moment of clumsiness. For god’s sake, it’s like handing out A-Bombs to chimps.

• But I digress. The dwelling (my hip, private apartments) shook as though a train passed close by, and green, really Crayola green lightening flashed in the windows. It was eerily quiet. I laughed because I thought it was a sign on good luck, and smiled, expecting to see some really cool and personally rewarding phenomenon. A lot of merchandise from China is green, and everything there seems associated with good luck, so I had no reason to believe this green signaled otherwise. As I looked about disappointedly, I realized that in the corner of my eye, I could see my reflection in the mirror was not moving. That was not cool.