The Errant Cow

I was walking down the hall at work today when a sight I do not normally spy attracted my atention. I seems as though a local cow had wandered into the building and was causing some havoc, turning over linen carts, leaving fart splatters on important papers, chewing people's balls - basically all of the things cows are not supposed to be doing. I thought "wow, how did this brown cow make her way in here and start wrecking up the place without attracting any attention"? Then I noticed that this cow was no ordinary dairy heiffer. This one had a jewel in her head from which she was shooting beams of green light. Normally, light isn't that scary (save for maybe when laser beams are coming your way), in fact, many people find it comforting, or mood-enhancing or make black light posters look wicked. This light was different, though. It seemed to either be causing explosive, bloody diarrhea in everyone it touched (which I gathered was fatal) or it levitated money out of people's wallets once they were incapacitated. Now I was majorly confused. What the hell was up with this cow and what did it want with money? Since I had just gotten paid, I was determined that this gastropod wasn't getting my hard earned cash. I needed that money to buy candy and bullets. Ducking behind a corner, I desperately searched for a weapon to use against this cow of doom. Spying a whip lying on a dinner table, I snatched it up just in time to turn and come face to face with the cow. Now, it is a well known fact that cows can smell fear, or, they can cause fear and then smell it, which in either case makes them nuts for blood, particularly armpit blood. Not wishing for the cow to eat my armpits, which were slatherd with rather expensive old spice, I cried out, "spare me, I'm Irish". This caused the cow to pause, as it's pretty obvious I'm not Irish but French. As I raised the whip to strike at its soft, dewey eyes, hoping to maim them, I was taken aback by a deep and somehow soothing voice that was uttered from the cow's thick, satisfying lips. "You lied to me" she said. Suddenly, eveything seemed to be bathed in soft light, like an Eliabeth Taylor commercial. "And so you must perish as all of the others have, for you see, I am the lamb of God sent to punish the wicked." "Punish the wicked"!? I stammered, but I work in a hospital and help the sick, how can I be a wicked person"? "Oh-ho" said the cow, "that means you're wicked cool and so being thusly wicked, must fall before my green spook-o light, whence the diarrhea will take you." Putting up my hands I implored "please, at least let me show you my one redeeming project that may at least grant me some clemency in the terrible void in which I am about to be tossed." "Very well" said, the cow, "but any trickery shall earn you a most gruesome violation before you die." That kind of confused me because I wondered how a cow could violate a human. Don't get me wrong, I've thought of it before, but this situation had me all shaken up and so nothing really came to mind. Under the watchful eye of the death cow, I led her to my office, hoping to play the only card I had left. Unbeknownst to her, during my lunch breaks I'd been working on millions of tiny but vicious mechanical sharks no bigger than a skin cell, which I kept in a jar on my desk for just such an occasion. We entered and I told her "you see, I have always had a fascination with the very most ambrosial aromas that can be experienced, so that I may find the height of sensation, thus bringing me closer to god." Here", I said, opening the jar of what appeared to be innocuous gray dust "I'm sure you'll find the experience most invigorating." The cow sniffed deeply, drawing some dust into her nose. "I smell nothing knave" she spat, and you shall suffer. "No, no no" I protested, you must not have smelled enough, here, try again." Again the cow breathed the dust deeply. "Now you're just pissing me off" she hissed, pointing a hoof at me. Before she could take a step, a look of absolute horror and utter confusion swept over her face. I can't even imagine what those little sharks were doing, but it probably didn't feel too good. She opened her mouth to say something, but a gush of blood cut off her cries in a gurgling scream. I smiled and crossed my arms as I watched her turn gray and then fall to dust. Then I picked up the phone and called housekeeping to bring up a broom and dustpan. Once she was all cleaned up, I went home to get ready for a date with a beautiful senora I'd met a few days before.