Odd Trends

It is found, mainly by myself, that we engage in trends which we may otherwise have the sense to avoid, were it not for the machinations of others - namely "loved" ones, family, iron-willed co-workers, basically all of the people who piss on the fire of our souls to extinguish them. (I must comment here that I particularly detest that smell).

• For instance, I used to go out with this girl who had some odd habits, but, because I had great affection toward her, I overlooked some things. We always overlook some things and hate others, no? I think the thing that attracted me to her most was that you could always see steam from her breath no matter what climate, season or setting it was. It drew some stares, yeah, but it was freakily cool during love-making - she would be all sweaty and her breath would be coming out and it would be like eighty degrees in the room - it was confusing and awesome. However, that was balanced out by her refusal to ingest any food or drink orally, it all had to come in suppository form. At first I was hesitant and would try to eat regular food around her, but she wouldn't have it, and so I was eventualy won over and began to insert my nutrients through my anus. Otherwise, the relationship was great. That is, until one day, I became constipated.

• Thinking the usual modus operedi of taking a fiber laxatixe would work, I popped a few, got a good book and waited for the fireworks. There were fireworks all right. You see, when you reverse the natural order of things - i.e. food goes in mouth, comes out bum - things happen in an unnatural way. Pretty soon, rather than feeling dowward pressure, I started to feel the urgent need to throw up. Assuming the "pray and pay" position above the toilet, what happened next was a slow motion nightmare. With the sound of mayonaise being forced up a pipe, I was horrified as a huge, glistening log of crap began to ooze out of my pie hole. I was literally shitting out of my mouth. And, it didn't happen mercifully, either - I had to bite off the logs and swallow the remainder so I could snatch a quick breath before the next heave of evil. I will admit that I felt much better after, but it was not an experience I wished to repeat. She didn't understand my pleas to return to a normal diet, she said she'd been raised this way, putting food into her bum and puking up logs that would gag a lumberjack. It was basically over after that. There are just some sacrifices you can't make for love.